Harman's Room

Last week I really needed to get something done, and so, out of desperation to try and find myself some mental peace and quiet, without things buzzing, dinging, flashing or blinking, I tossed my phone onto a pillow and signed off GTalk. For the longest time I had no idea why that feature was there. I’ve never been a very social person, but I _have_ always kept myself on AIM, GTalk or Skype pretty much 24/7 forever. And so there I was, without GTalk, and so subsequently without AIM.

And I was so productive.

It was a rush. I felt like a champion just by clicking a little button. I was free from the confines of a digital friends list. No one could say “hi?” as though I was online staring at the list of names choosing to ignore people with whom I didn’t want to speak. No one could pop up in the middle of the brief period of time during each day that I actually am focused on completing tasks. And behold, my productivity skyrocketed. Back into Omnifocus I went for a mental dump for the first time in a while and I breathed a loud sigh of relief: I felt organized, less stressed and calmer. ANd that’s how things have been since.

When I was in eighth grade I briefly dated Kimberlyn Knowles, a Staples Copy Center Employee who doesn’t currently return my text messages. In High School, it was Amanda. Then Kait and Jen. And Nikki and Courtney. And Sada. And Allison. And through all of this, I never took the time to realize how nice it feels in the middle of all of it when you aren’t being tugged in any direction. Perhaps my aversion to commitment is actually not such at all: I’m just too exhausted from trying to appease others that I have needed a break from this for years.

When I leave a relationship, I’m usually like a dog who knows there’s good food around somewhere. Sniffing. Looking. Sensing. Always alert. I feel such loneliness that I seek to escape by replacing those feelings with happier thoughts of a new beginning. When one door closes, I’m sprinting out the other. Well, not right now. I’m have come to the realization that I am perfectly lonely.

Had a little love, but I spread it thin
Falling in her arms and out again
Made a bad name for my game around town
Tore up my heart, and shut it down

Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, No one but me
And that’s all I need

I’m perfectly lonely, I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely (Yeah)
‘Cause I don’t belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

I see friends around from time to time
When their ladies let ‘em slip away
And when they ask me how I’m doing with mine
This is always what I say

Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, no one to be
Is it really hard to see

Why I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely, I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely (Yeah)
‘Cause I don’t belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say there never comes a day
I’ll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind on all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong

I’m perfectly lonely, I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely (Yeah)
‘Cause I don’t belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

(It’s the way, it’s the way, it’s the way that I want it)

Thanks, John. Nothing like hearing exactly how you feel from someone you respect.

Selections from The Academy Is…’s Down & Out

I don’t ever want to see you again, my friend. This is the end.
Out of the house, she grabs the keys, runs for the hills and doesn’t leave a letter.
That way the impact will be much better.
Away from the man that she’s grown so fearful of, so fearful of.

Why, oh why, do you wear sunglasses in the home
when the sun went down about an hour ago?
Life should not be that way.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep
That make you stutter when you speak.

Some things are far too good to go ahead and let go.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.

::sigh::

Again, just a stab. Check out Kill Devil Falls, too!

I can see the light between me and my mind
I can feel memories fall behind
And the light is growing brighter now
And the light is growing brighter now

I see the future is less and less there
And the past has vanished in the air
And I’m left in the now with a wonderous glow
I think I’m still me, but how would you know?

I can see the light between me and my mind
I can feel memories fall behind
And the light is growing brighter now
And the light is growing brighter now

It takes a few moments of rolling around
‘Till your feet finally leave the ground
And fending off fears, and hearing the call
And finally waiting for nothing at all

I can see the light between me and my mind
I can feel memories fall behind
And the light is growing brighter now
And the light is growing brighter now
And the light is growing brighter now
And the light is growing brighter now

And the light is growing brighter now
And the light is growing brighter now
(Obstacles are stepping stones)
And the light is growing brighter now
(Fences are filter)
And the light is growing brighter now
(Obstacles are stepping stones
That guides us to our goals)
And the light is growing brighter now
(fences are filters
That purify our souls)
And the light is growing brighter now
(Obstacles are stepping stones
That guides us to our goals)
And the light is growing brighter now
(fences are filters
That purify our souls)
And the light is growing brighter now
(Obstacles are stepping stones
That guides us to our goals)
And the light is growing brighter now
(fences are filters
That purify our souls)
And the light is growing brighter now
(Obstacles are stepping stones
That guides us to our goals)
And the light is growing brighter now
(fences are filters
That purify our souls)
And the light is growing brighter now

Purely from listening. I could be right, maybe not:

Just got back from Kill Devil Falls
Draped my waterlogged clothes in the hall
Reach for a beer, glad that I’m here
When I realize that you’re not around

Turned on some music and then the TV
Go through the pile of mail waiting for me
Something I spy makes me pull it aside
A letter from your home town

How could you leave me, you heard what I said:
“I’d be at the waterfall clearing my head
Soaking up nature and thinking of you”
But leaving’s the last thing I thought you would do

I didn’t plan to stop at the bar
But Kill Devil Falls is really so far
Who knew a day would turn into a week?
But I learned my lesson
And I can still remember the last one
But this time will be different
Until I do it again

Stared at the ceiling for over a day
But none of my questions are answered this way
Won’t make any calls, I just bounce off the walls
‘Till I go back to Kill Devil Falls

How could you leave me? You heard what I said:
“I’d be at the waterfall clearing my head
Soaking up nature and thinking of you”
And leaving’s the last thing I thought you would do

I didn’t plan to stop at the bar
But Kill Devil Falls is really so far
Who knew a day would turn into a week?
But I learned my lesson
And I can still remember the last one
But this time will be different
This time will be different…

And I stand at the base of the mountain (Don’t follow me)
And I step right up to the cliffside (Gotta learn how to lead)
And I stare straight into the future (Tell me, what do you see?)
This time’s gonna be different…

Oh, don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Oh, don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Oh, don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Oh, I learned my lesson…
And I can still remember the last one
But this time will be different…

Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls

Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls
Don’t go back to Kill Devil Falls

I’m scared and concerned. For plenty of reasons. Maybe you can tell because I’m blogging. A lot has gone on lately. Things I need to tell my parents. Those kinds of “Mom, Dad, we need to talk” types of situations. And I’ll get around to it when I swallow my pride (or whatever pride I have left) to do so. Not sure when that’ll be, but I’ve got a deadline of next week. So it will get done. Either way I have some things to do. And some music to face. And a life to get back on track.

It’s funny how small the changes I wanted to make to my life were this summer. “Look up more” was one of them. Part of Alex 2.0, if you will. I had everything set up in a blog and was so focused. About a month ago my life crumbled before me. My friends dwindled. All due to my own decisions and actions, irresponsibility and stupidity. And through all of it, I am still hurt.

But I knew that would come. I am stronger and better due to it. I’m a better person. But I’ve still got a way to go. The changes that need to be made weren’t about looking up more or listening better. They required pruning my contact list by about 50%, being up front and honest with people, so much so that many of them left my life. And so here I rest, where disappointment and regret collide. Lying awake at night, up all night. When I’m lying awake at night.

I’m not going to put myself in this position with myself or anyone anymore. I’m not going to wedge myself between those I love and those I love. And I’m not going to be a liar, I’m enjoying the honest life I’m leading right now.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope all goes as well as it should. And with you in spirit or in words, I love you.

I’ve been dealing a lot with music lately. My philosophies and just enjoying listening and trying to make music. I downloaded about 15 songs for Rock Band last night. I listened to three new albums yesterday and may do the same again today. Piper At The Gates of Dawn was very good, as was Atom Heart Mother. And Ummagumma was one of the hardest albums to get through that I’ve ever heard. But I found some wisdom in If which is one of the more profound songs I’ve heard in a while.

If I were a swan, I’d be gone.
If I were a train, I’d be late.
And if I were a good man,
I’d talk with you
More often than I do.

How true it is… And then there was a very nice compliment paid to me last night, and it revealed my philosophy on music. Happy reading for today.

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t searching, but “The Mother Hips” Time We Had is pretty freaking awesome…

On the way, on the way home
I heard some ghosts laughing in the trees,
moving inside the midnight breeze.
The time we had is not gone.
The way we chose was the long one.
The time we had is not gone.

Way out here the voice and the mind are clear

The time we had is not gone.
The way we chose was the long one.
The time we had is not gone.
Way out here the voice and the mind are clear.

I’m impressed and I liked the song a lot. Also, after singing about the big legged woman who had no soul, I’ve come across a sweet ballad by Led Zeppelin and am very much a fan:

Changes fill my time, baby, that’s alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Did you ever really need somebody, and really need ’em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, the best something you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
Cause it was just the first time, and you knew you would

So that’s where I’m at musically. Lots of fun, actually. Have a nice night.

In a place you only dream of
Where your soul is always free
Silver stages, golden curtains
Filled my head, plain as can be

As a rainbow grew around the sun
All the stars I’ve love who died
Came from somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me

Now if I let you see this place
Where stories all ring true
Will you let me past your face
To see what’s really you

It’s not for me I ask these questions
As though I were a king
For you have to love, believe and feel
Before the burst of tambourines take you there