Harman's Room

Last week I really needed to get something done, and so, out of desperation to try and find myself some mental peace and quiet, without things buzzing, dinging, flashing or blinking, I tossed my phone onto a pillow and signed off GTalk. For the longest time I had no idea why that feature was there. I’ve never been a very social person, but I _have_ always kept myself on AIM, GTalk or Skype pretty much 24/7 forever. And so there I was, without GTalk, and so subsequently without AIM.

And I was so productive.

It was a rush. I felt like a champion just by clicking a little button. I was free from the confines of a digital friends list. No one could say “hi?” as though I was online staring at the list of names choosing to ignore people with whom I didn’t want to speak. No one could pop up in the middle of the brief period of time during each day that I actually am focused on completing tasks. And behold, my productivity skyrocketed. Back into Omnifocus I went for a mental dump for the first time in a while and I breathed a loud sigh of relief: I felt organized, less stressed and calmer. ANd that’s how things have been since.

When I was in eighth grade I briefly dated Kimberlyn Knowles, a Staples Copy Center Employee who doesn’t currently return my text messages. In High School, it was Amanda. Then Kait and Jen. And Nikki and Courtney. And Sada. And Allison. And through all of this, I never took the time to realize how nice it feels in the middle of all of it when you aren’t being tugged in any direction. Perhaps my aversion to commitment is actually not such at all: I’m just too exhausted from trying to appease others that I have needed a break from this for years.

When I leave a relationship, I’m usually like a dog who knows there’s good food around somewhere. Sniffing. Looking. Sensing. Always alert. I feel such loneliness that I seek to escape by replacing those feelings with happier thoughts of a new beginning. When one door closes, I’m sprinting out the other. Well, not right now. I’m have come to the realization that I am perfectly lonely.

Had a little love, but I spread it thin
Falling in her arms and out again
Made a bad name for my game around town
Tore up my heart, and shut it down

Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, No one but me
And that’s all I need

I’m perfectly lonely, I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely (Yeah)
‘Cause I don’t belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

I see friends around from time to time
When their ladies let ‘em slip away
And when they ask me how I’m doing with mine
This is always what I say

Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, no one to be
Is it really hard to see

Why I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely, I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely (Yeah)
‘Cause I don’t belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say there never comes a day
I’ll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind on all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong

I’m perfectly lonely, I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely (Yeah)
‘Cause I don’t belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

(It’s the way, it’s the way, it’s the way that I want it)

Thanks, John. Nothing like hearing exactly how you feel from someone you respect.